So Christmas

Christmas has come and pretty much gone at the moment.
I didn't have a lot of energy for it this year. I don't really know if it was the fact that everything got crammed into Christmas week, or that migraine I got as a
' reward' from driving had anything to do with it; who knows. I have fibromyalgia and honestly I don't think the fibro monster likes Christmas that much.

My beloved got me the movie Brave. We have searched high and low for it this year and he finally found it when I wasn't looking!  Its the kind of movie I wish I had seen when I was a kid, the red head misfit kid who manages to make things right.

Santa came over and left a santa sack of little prezzies... new bath sponge (a kind of  tradition here) , play doh,  sketch book, Irish cream fudge (which is AWAY from my hands atm lol) and some uber tasty nice cookies, which are like the adult version of wagon wheels but not as tacky - they are just divine. Bad for you but divine just the same.

I don't know what it is though, I feel like I am two people. I know I am absolutely blessed and happy about that. I still have  this sense that Christmas should be... exciting, happy, fun, family... but here it isnt. I need to figure out what to do to fix that next year. Im sore, tired, headachey - so right now isnt a good option.

Feel a bit lost.. maybe thats more my own fault though as we didnt make it to Church or to much else just lately. Its all the energy just to go to appointments and shopping.  But i find myself thinking " am I only person in this place of frustration and weariness"?
I know the answer has to be no.
I know of people struggling to get by financially, they couldn't afford to do Christmas. They needed to spend money on electricity, water, gas that kind of thing. Some had more medical things than meets the eye - their time and effort has been on really just trying to survive and get by.  I know people who spend this time alone, with no-one to make them smile or hug away their hurts.

So why do we hype up this season? Christian beliefs aside, why do we make our Christmas what it is?

It is possible that we long for one perfect day of the year. One moment or glimpse into what life would be like without the struggle. Without the pain, frustration, migraines etc... we set our hearts on it. Some of us are disappointed year by year when things do not go that way. Yes its the planner in me, and no I don't know how to fix it.

As a Christian I know this isnt the point, its not about a clean house, a nice meal at the table, its not about the presents we give, it is about God sending His son to the earth; despite the mess we are in, despite the fact we really had no room in the inn... we have no space in our lives for this, we dont have time... to think to ponder what it is He did... that Christmas was just the beginning; there is no shame in not having the best day at Christmas, it isnt what makes it what it is, what makes it, is Jesus.

So now, as i turn off my computer here and rest my head from thinking. I wish you a Merry Christmas, I hope you have a great day but if you don't or you end up trying to figure out why you feel so off about it, then just remember what we do isnt what Christmas is about. It is what God has done; and in the time line
of easter, what He will do.

Peace, good tidings.

When Sadness weighs in..

Depression is one of those things people don't really want a Christian to talk about, even those who are not Christian rather believe we live unrealistic, happy lives with no problems.

This has been a bad week for me. The stress levels have been higher than normal. I can't handle too much more of it.

Reality is depression exists in the depth of the human soul, while a Christian  has the audaty to claim God's control over their lives. they are no less likely to suffer from depression than the next. Depression exists where wounds are, the kind that dented and damaged you over time.

Depression is a black hole. It sucks you in and its awful hard to climb out of.

Its been a bad week. Not that I have lost anyone, or had any trauma. Just that I have that absent sense of panic, the horrendous thought that i am trapped. Those two things alone are enough, throw in doctors, pain and university due dates and you have me in a ball of stress.

Im trying to relax. It isnt going well either.. but im trying.
I learn't long ago that God is indeed in control of my life, that things might suck but it does not change the facts.
Reality is a good thing to logically think through sometimes. Logic is a friend when panic sets in.

So I am going to get myself moving on things for me, starting with my writing, which i had planned to do for the month of November. Then work on finishing up my university work... then I am taking 3mths to clean house and recover a bit. Hopefully moving past this ball of stress thing.

I am a Christian.. and some other thoughts:

I see a lot of posts around the internet from non-Christian and Christian alike on how we are meant to be as Christians. I'm yet to agree with any. We shall see it might happen. This post has been churning/turning over in my head for a while. Its what I do when I can't sleep... sit and think. Lots of not sleeping... lots of thinking.

I am a Christian.

Not perfect. Not polished. I don't have the answers to every question, or every problem. Sometimes life sucks; sometimes it shines. Sometimes it just happens.

The reason I am a Christian has nothing to do with me thinking I have everything right, or that I am somehow superior, actually completely the opposite. I don't have it all together, in that I find I need a third party, I need something bigger than just me, and I need the help.  In a nutshell I know I need God because I don't have it all together.

I used to live this life in tight restriction of rules and regulations. Very black and white kind of deal. What was right was right and what was not was not. I see a lot of Christians still living this, and I suppose it is fine for them. Over the years I have found I cannot live to that standard myself, let alone hold others to it. There is a lot in understanding that God never treated the sinner with contempt, He treated them with grace. So that is what I aim for - grace, love, respect, and patience. I am not here to thump people over the head with a belief they struggle with; or even with my own beliefs while they struggle with their lives. I'd rather listen and hear them, rather be patient and kind. Strange I know.

I meet so many Christians who in one breathe berate the non-Christian, and in the next can't seem to make the same connections in their own lives. I am not even thinking of specific people, just my several years experience talking to people online.

So. I am a Christian. I make no apology for that. Please show some respect to me, don't berate me for what I believe any more than you wish to be berated for what you believe. A little respect goes a long way. While I believe certain things, I make the promise here and now that even if I state them in a black and white format, if you want to talk to me I will listen. If you want to yell and scream, I even listen to that. Yet at the same time, Id like the chance to talk to you in the same way. I am not perfect though, I fail at being patient sometimes; I fail at even sounding Christ-like sometimes too. I fall, face first if you like, and that just makes me a normal human.

I completely understand that this post pretty much might offend people. Right now I don't really care about that. I really am sick of seeing people post things which generalize one group or another. Real people, real lives, real hearts are on the other side of the screen reading what you post. If you can't say it to someone's face- then maybe don't go posting things at all. As for me, I am just as you find me - it takes me a little while in real life to warm to people. I am not perfect, and I am just me.

But I am a Christian. I do believe in God. I do believe He has a plan and a purpose, and an overall direction for my life. I believe that I am not perfect, and that's why God sent His son to take my place - because I sin and sin is the crap that cuts us off from God. It is anything we do that shifts us away from Him. It isn't one thing, its not a specific list which only a few blessed people have, or a list which contains a huge generalized ideal; there is some of that, don't get me wrong, the Bible has a list of 10 specifically... but the Bible (and yes I do follow the Bible) also contains the following idea: the thoughts we think are as bad as the acts we do. So if you think it its as good as doing. In a nutshell.. no-one is perfect. We all sin. We all miss the point, think the thoughts, break the connection.
But God in great wisdom made a way for us through His son.

I am a Christian, I make no apologies. But it isn't because of you or your actions, I am a Christian because of me.

Missing Friends

I haven't slept tonight. .. one of those nights.  Hubby is not so well and im a lot on the sore side of things. Regardless that is not what I am posting about. To be honest I often wonder how people who I knew for ages... who actually played a key role in my life... are doing.
Last night I searched the net.
I didn't find a few of the people I wonder about but I did find 2 of them.
Not sure if they want to know me.
After we moved here and my mental health issues took over my time.. I lost touch. It was never that I didn't care... it was more that in all truth I barely had the strength to deal with other things. Still... I could and should have done better by these people.
Now.. ive sent messags so time will tell.
I do know I miss having them in my life.

Choosing Joy

It is really rather wet here today. Strangely I am not really affected by it being winter. . Other than being cold.  

What I do find is that now -June - through to August I am tireder, more easily stressed, and find trying to get things done is slow and frustrating. So my thinking is do I just give up on this time of year? ( not really an option) or do I figure out how to work around it?
Some good ways I know to fight off the wintery greys is colour. . More art time for me I think. .. more time for creating joy.. a choice for this time of year.

What most people don't realize is that even with depression, dealing with stress, fatigue (the real deal not just the  random tired spell) and chronic pain, its a full time thing not ever gone. So that means that when things get worse, or just generally mundane it boils down to choice.




Choosing joy.. or choosing to do the things that might lead towards joy, and accepting that there really are bad days around is part of the process of living. This time of year you can't just pop outside and sit in the sunshine, you need to often invent your own sunshine.


So here is what I do, I walk around at the shopping center, i like browsing through stationary, and art supply shops (I'm a statioinary-o-holic!) These things make me smile and bring joy. I enjoy hanging out with my hubby, hes truly a  bit of sunshine.

On the days when neither works, I try to remind myself to not panic like the end of the world is here. I have depression, anxiety etc and there will be days I do not have control over these things. Its a fact of life for me.


One of the best things I have is the knowledge of God's presence. I remember being terrified at a conference once, because it was storming outside, raining buckets and lightning and thunder kind of things. Out in the rain, a tiny sparrow was chirping and dancing. It is a great reminder to me, that even in the midst of the storm God has it all under control. So no matter how long a day it is, how dark my storm (the one that brews inside my head at least) God hasn't left, and He hasn't left me to deal with it on my own.

Ponderings on pain

I am currently sitting here trying to make my nails pretty. Just for me, a smile sometimes when i look down in my day to day computer useage. It is hard to make it right tho, we shall see. I  think a lot when I am doing this kind of things and I am getting to the point where I am fighting a nap as well because I do not want to sleep before bed - its 7.30pm and 11pm is my aimed at bedtime.

I have had a lot of pain lately. Pain is this thing that is a constant companion of mine, I have now traveled with it most of my life. It makes it hard when people ask me how I am.. am I meant to just say I am fine? Should I tell the truth? I usually go with "I am relatively ok."  Relative to dead or dying I am ok.
As for being well or being "over" sickness, it possibly isn't going to happen in my earthly life.  I highly doubt that at this point, God's will for me is a miraculous healing. That isn't to say it isn't possible but that in His plan, which I firmly believe in, it isn't for me. Sure pain isn't fair, fun or fantastic, it does not make for a great existence but the times I get to be in the right place at the right time, when in real terms, if I did not have this pain illness, I'd not even have considered being in those places  - doctors, hospital, online those kinds of things, that God has used.

The problem for me is that sometimes it is overwhelming. I feel like I can't win. It is either do and be in pain or don't do and have things that need doing? When you are my age, have no kids and no connection outside of the house most of the time, except via online (Oh Lord what would I do without all of my online friends? A blessing each one.) you are expected to be the one to make the effort. If you are sick, it is obviously going to get better right?

I never had the sudden onset of illness. I don't remember being exactly well. I have always had pain in one form or another. I ought to be used to it. I am not.

What if you were on the outside knowing someone had an illness that wasn't going away, was not going to get better, isn't something they are causing, or want. Would you make effort to know them? Or would you prefer to pretend they were not there? Is it really easier in a "normal" life, the life without sickness or pain constantly, than it is in .. well I guess in my life?

I sometimes wonder what the plan is here. I know enough to know God has one, but this is one area I am still learning to trust. I struggle... that will be news to some... to know God's plan.  I want to be submissive, to give over  everything, including the pain. I want to hand it to God because He is the only one who really knows what it is like. (and my pain is merely a small fraction of what he endured for me.)

I needed to remember that. His for mine.  Point for cruel point, the pain I deal with is nothing compared to what He went through. It is that reminder in the shadows, the reality of Christ in the hard narrow path I walk with pain; that makes this worth it.  That someone might see Him through me... that is even a better, more tantalising thought. If I could reflect His grace, understanding, and love; regardless of my life, regardless of my pains, illness or situation; whatever comes.

I don't know who reads my blog. If you know me you know I am not really preaching to anyone except talking to myself. I don't really have the ambition to bring guilt or anything to anyone... it isn't the way I am wired. Just... if you have pain and  faith in God, you are not alone. You are not the only one who struggles.

Let me be clear.. I am no expert on things, I am just me. If that is some kind of claim to fame- it isn't really. But if anything .. I just hope to encourage you. To shine a little light in the shadows of life. That is my aim.

Friendship: my hit and miss truths.

I was thinking about friends and friendship. Of those who I have far away (and they are truly awesome people who continue to inspire and encourage me) and those I have for whatever reason over the years lost contact with. Some got married and moved off, and some just lost contact through the dust over the years, some did not need whatever it was that our friendship bought to their lives any longer. And some I dearly wish I knew how to get hold of because I think of them every single day... although I have no idea if they feel the same way. I only wish them well and  hope life is OK for them.

I like to encourage people, and sometimes that puts me in the position of a mother bird who is feeding up her kids and then pushing them out of the nest to never see them again. I love to watch people soar when they realize they can; there is nothing better.

However I have a long harbored dream to have a forever best friend and not people who's life I pass through now and then; maybe I read too many books as a child but this is one idea that I see in other peoples lives and not in my own.

Dont get me wrong, my hubby is my absolute best friend, we do everything together and he really is awesome. But hes still a guy who does guy things... who needs to do guy things! There is no resentment in that, just a fact.

I mean a girl friend. Someone you can catch up with, and just talk.  Or just at a moments notice be able to call up and say "lets do coffee." or even be able to visit.. or even... invite over for a BBQ and that kind of thing. Its that longing to be known. To connect. To not .. miss?

The problem is I am somewhat an expert on the miss thing. I don't know how it happens but I often end up feeling disconnected, feeling overwhelmed and lost. I don't always but it happens a lot. Sometimes I get to a point where I start to feel comfortable but then something jars or something is said that drives me backwards in retreat, it isn't meant that way but I have no real control on that one, I am still growing and learning in that area.

 I suspect it isn't just me, that this sense of being disconnected, and the longing to be in connection is prevalent  We get too busy, too tired, too... something to take a moment to look for the ones who struggle; or  we get caught up in our own thing. Even I get caught up in my own thing sometimes.

I am not big on phone calls. I know some people are and wen I was leading a small group for Church I always made sure I tried extra hard to call my group and connect with them. Listening is the biggest gift you can give anyone but I am really bad at calls. When people ask me how I am and what we have been doing my mind goes blank! Or I really dont know how to explain life as a gamer/student/wife.

I love coffee it is true, and sometimes the act of taking a moment out of your known space and just sitting in a cafe with someone is sweet. Not having to clean or cook or whatever other distractions are around home. I miss doing that with people in WA.

Back to missing..  I know I have issues with people getting to know me and me getting to know them. I take a lot more time than most. See people who have been hurt and are walking around trying to sort out who to trust and .. quite honestly... who not to, tend to take a lot more time to accept someone's face value than most because that face value has fallen a few too many times, on the downward side.

I have health issues. That is never fun for anyone, especially not me. However it makes going places (especially Church at the moment) even harder for me, let alone the fact I cant hear properly. I do find myself reluctant to talk about health... who wants to hear about how sick I have been? How I couldn't do things that week?  Well there are reasons... I am trying to cut myself some slack on the not  making friends thing.

 However I always wonder if there this something I am missing? Some key social and personal skill that I am lacking?

I used to cry myself to sleep over this one. I dont know how much of it is solved by the bravado i generally put out there, but in not being able to connect you end up wondering if you are worth connecting to. I mean, I know I am a loyal friend, I dont tear anyone down, I dont gossip, I dont lie (and that's another thing entirely!) and I do my absolute best to be there when you need me (not just expecting you to care about me .. friendship is always 2 way) and I have friends... just that ... I still feel disconnected? Like we were designed to have a good friend of the heart rather than just all these acquaintances and distance friends that we gather. I dont know now, I am just writing what I am thinking at 3am.

So...
to all my friends who think I have forgotten them. It is never the case, I think of people all the time. The girl I went to the Salvation Army Guards with; the people i met in school; cousins who think I wouldn't remember the silly ideas we had of having a farm and having everyone happy on it, it is all there in the back of the old mind, and as I get older those memories of good times, great friendships just make me crave that being connected again.

I suppose however, I am blessed to have known those people I describe  I can name them but I dont really know how they would feel about that! Psychological issues aside, to have had that kind of input in my life really has changed how I see the world.

I pray you have a soul friend. Someone who is close to you who inspires, encourages, calls you out on the bad, and builds you up on the good, who would catch you if you fell... that you could know the value of  friendship.

And connection.