I was thinking about friends and friendship. Of those who I have far away (and they are truly awesome people who continue to inspire and encourage me) and those I have for whatever reason over the years lost contact with. Some got married and moved off, and some just lost contact through the dust over the years, some did not need whatever it was that our friendship bought to their lives any longer. And some I dearly wish I knew how to get hold of because I think of them every single day... although I have no idea if they feel the same way. I only wish them well and hope life is OK for them.
I like to encourage people, and sometimes that puts me in the position of a mother bird who is feeding up her kids and then pushing them out of the nest to never see them again. I love to watch people soar when they realize they can; there is nothing better.
However I have a long harbored dream to have a forever best friend and not people who's life I pass through now and then; maybe I read too many books as a child but this is one idea that I see in other peoples lives and not in my own.
Dont get me wrong, my hubby is my absolute best friend, we do everything together and he really is awesome. But hes still a guy who does guy things... who needs to do guy things! There is no resentment in that, just a fact.
I mean a girl friend. Someone you can catch up with, and just talk. Or just at a moments notice be able to call up and say "lets do coffee." or even be able to visit.. or even... invite over for a BBQ and that kind of thing. Its that longing to be known. To connect. To not .. miss?
The problem is I am somewhat an expert on the miss thing. I don't know how it happens but I often end up feeling disconnected, feeling overwhelmed and lost. I don't always but it happens a lot. Sometimes I get to a point where I start to feel comfortable but then something jars or something is said that drives me backwards in retreat, it isn't meant that way but I have no real control on that one, I am still growing and learning in that area.
I suspect it isn't just me, that this sense of being disconnected, and the longing to be in connection is prevalent We get too busy, too tired, too... something to take a moment to look for the ones who struggle; or we get caught up in our own thing. Even I get caught up in my own thing sometimes.
I am not big on phone calls. I know some people are and wen I was leading a small group for Church I always made sure I tried extra hard to call my group and connect with them. Listening is the biggest gift you can give anyone but I am really bad at calls. When people ask me how I am and what we have been doing my mind goes blank! Or I really dont know how to explain life as a gamer/student/wife.
I love coffee it is true, and sometimes the act of taking a moment out of your known space and just sitting in a cafe with someone is sweet. Not having to clean or cook or whatever other distractions are around home. I miss doing that with people in WA.
Back to missing.. I know I have issues with people getting to know me and me getting to know them. I take a lot more time than most. See people who have been hurt and are walking around trying to sort out who to trust and .. quite honestly... who not to, tend to take a lot more time to accept someone's face value than most because that face value has fallen a few too many times, on the downward side.
I have health issues. That is never fun for anyone, especially not me. However it makes going places (especially Church at the moment) even harder for me, let alone the fact I cant hear properly. I do find myself reluctant to talk about health... who wants to hear about how sick I have been? How I couldn't do things that week? Well there are reasons... I am trying to cut myself some slack on the not making friends thing.
However I always wonder if there this something I am missing? Some key social and personal skill that I am lacking?
I used to cry myself to sleep over this one. I dont know how much of it is solved by the bravado i generally put out there, but in not being able to connect you end up wondering if you are worth connecting to. I mean, I know I am a loyal friend, I dont tear anyone down, I dont gossip, I dont lie (and that's another thing entirely!) and I do my absolute best to be there when you need me (not just expecting you to care about me .. friendship is always 2 way) and I have friends... just that ... I still feel disconnected? Like we were designed to have a good friend of the heart rather than just all these acquaintances and distance friends that we gather. I dont know now, I am just writing what I am thinking at 3am.
So...
to all my friends who think I have forgotten them. It is never the case, I think of people all the time. The girl I went to the Salvation Army Guards with; the people i met in school; cousins who think I wouldn't remember the silly ideas we had of having a farm and having everyone happy on it, it is all there in the back of the old mind, and as I get older those memories of good times, great friendships just make me crave that being connected again.
I suppose however, I am blessed to have known those people I describe I can name them but I dont really know how they would feel about that! Psychological issues aside, to have had that kind of input in my life really has changed how I see the world.
I pray you have a soul friend. Someone who is close to you who inspires, encourages, calls you out on the bad, and builds you up on the good, who would catch you if you fell... that you could know the value of friendship.
And connection.
