I am currently sitting here trying to make my nails pretty. Just for me, a smile sometimes when i look down in my day to day computer useage. It is hard to make it right tho, we shall see. I think a lot when I am doing this kind of things and I am getting to the point where I am fighting a nap as well because I do not want to sleep before bed - its 7.30pm and 11pm is my aimed at bedtime.
I have had a lot of pain lately. Pain is this thing that is a constant companion of mine, I have now traveled with it most of my life. It makes it hard when people ask me how I am.. am I meant to just say I am fine? Should I tell the truth? I usually go with "I am relatively ok." Relative to dead or dying I am ok.
As for being well or being "over" sickness, it possibly isn't going to happen in my earthly life. I highly doubt that at this point, God's will for me is a miraculous healing. That isn't to say it isn't possible but that in His plan, which I firmly believe in, it isn't for me. Sure pain isn't fair, fun or fantastic, it does not make for a great existence but the times I get to be in the right place at the right time, when in real terms, if I did not have this pain illness, I'd not even have considered being in those places - doctors, hospital, online those kinds of things, that God has used.
The problem for me is that sometimes it is overwhelming. I feel like I can't win. It is either do and be in pain or don't do and have things that need doing? When you are my age, have no kids and no connection outside of the house most of the time, except via online (Oh Lord what would I do without all of my online friends? A blessing each one.) you are expected to be the one to make the effort. If you are sick, it is obviously going to get better right?
I never had the sudden onset of illness. I don't remember being exactly well. I have always had pain in one form or another. I ought to be used to it. I am not.
What if you were on the outside knowing someone had an illness that wasn't going away, was not going to get better, isn't something they are causing, or want. Would you make effort to know them? Or would you prefer to pretend they were not there? Is it really easier in a "normal" life, the life without sickness or pain constantly, than it is in .. well I guess in my life?
I sometimes wonder what the plan is here. I know enough to know God has one, but this is one area I am still learning to trust. I struggle... that will be news to some... to know God's plan. I want to be submissive, to give over everything, including the pain. I want to hand it to God because He is the only one who really knows what it is like. (and my pain is merely a small fraction of what he endured for me.)
I needed to remember that. His for mine. Point for cruel point, the pain I deal with is nothing compared to what He went through. It is that reminder in the shadows, the reality of Christ in the hard narrow path I walk with pain; that makes this worth it. That someone might see Him through me... that is even a better, more tantalising thought. If I could reflect His grace, understanding, and love; regardless of my life, regardless of my pains, illness or situation; whatever comes.
I don't know who reads my blog. If you know me you know I am not really preaching to anyone except talking to myself. I don't really have the ambition to bring guilt or anything to anyone... it isn't the way I am wired. Just... if you have pain and faith in God, you are not alone. You are not the only one who struggles.
Let me be clear.. I am no expert on things, I am just me. If that is some kind of claim to fame- it isn't really. But if anything .. I just hope to encourage you. To shine a little light in the shadows of life. That is my aim.
