So my birthday is in February - the 22nd to be specific. For some reason I have this desire to go to the zoo.. we shall see. Anyhow whenever birthdays approach they provide this moment of delight, horror, reflection, stress and fun all in the same kind of flow. So instead of keeping all of this to myself I thought Id share.
Firstly. Long ago I worked out the real age of a person is the two numbers added together. So my age this year is 8. Makes more sense to go to the zoo now. It entertains me because it means my hubby is currently 4. Regardless its just fun. (honestly this was funnier when we were talking about it in the car today)
What makes birthday's stressful is the whole what I expect versus what actually happens or what I want versus how i feel on the day (fibromyalgia does not seem to think birthdays are different from any other days.) Over the last few years i have had x-rays, blood tests, and other fun things on my birthday (or near) ironic thing is I think that is because some of the jaded feelings i have towards medical people finding anything wrong or figuring out a way to help seems to be less so around my birthday. As if living for another year I like to think about living for a few more. Regardless medical stuff on birthdays - not fun. Having to mention it is your birthday to a reception person who looks at you a moment and smiles a little " happy birthday" yeah also not fun. I am hoping to avoid both this year.
Birthday's are usually quiet, I got lucky and my aunt is going to be visiting us around that time. She is one of those people who is a delight to have around, and we have a lot in common. Also a weird sense of humour (I am sure she found the age thing funny... at least I hope so!) So I get to see her and my uncle.
What I am looking forward to is seeing elephants. Not pictures of elephants but real elephants. I wont get to touch them or ride one, or feed one, or talk to one up close, but I will get to look and take photos. I adore elephants. You have no idea... just how awesome an animal these things are. God did a fantastic job on them.
So the zoo it will be if we can.
The only thing that worries me, and this is where the stress comes in is that my health isnt awesome. I can't walk around all day. My back just won't handle it. So we are going to look at getting a wheel chair for me at the zoo. Now thats a sensible logical thing to do, it means I can have a longer day and hopefully end up in less pain. However. I am a bit scared.
Not scared that I wont be able to use one. Not worried it will be awkward feeling. But scared at what it implies, means and might mean.
It took me a long time to admit walking was a problem; I always had a lot of trouble with my back that I recall. There are reasons I am sure that I wont mention here. However in the end it has come to the point where im in limbo waiting to see a pain specialist... my doctor keeps saying ' just lose weight' (which I have and did, and the more weight i lost the WORSE the pain. like Bad. like very very BAD pain.) .. also i had pain before i had weight problems. I hate that doctors fail to see past that or hear me when i say it. I think i will be taking photos to the specialist of my 9yr old self, or my 14yr old self...." see this? well i was normal.. and still had pain" .... in the end i am wondering where I will end up...
I talk about pain on this blog a lot of the time, often tempered with a hopeful upbeat feel or faith. That is how I feel, i feel there is a purpose and a plan to all this. Some days though, I do not like this reality I am dealing with. It isn't at all what I would like for my life. Certainly not what I planned. It has its moments.
I am looking forward to the zoo. I really really want a chance to see as much of it as we can. Pain or not.
Birthday's have historically either been awful (not just bad but terrible) or brilliant. I have either lived in the shadow of my step-sibling, who has his birthday the day before. (Through no fault of his!) where i ended up feeling as if being the younger of the two my birthday did not matter in the slightest. A nothing birthday really. Even my 16th. Maybe it is why people spoil me rotten now (by people I mean my hubby).
My tenth birthday was brilliant. My mum threw the best party EVER. No exaggeration - i met someone who had been there and she was all gushing about it years and years later. The cake was a castle; with turrets and all that, and we had party games and fun complete with prizes. Seriously awesome mother.
These days I'm content with the quiet birthdays, but also with the family around. I try not to let stress and anxiety get me but I don't really do crowds near as well as I used to. I really am bad at new people, or big groups. So nice and quiet. It isnt a big one anyhow; thats another 5 years away. I can't imagine knowing enough people to have a big party anyhow.
Well, in the end Birthdays are another year arent they? I refuse to just let it go without thanking God for it. Plus, its another year alive, another year fighting for health and sanity, and another year sharing and laughing with my beloved hubby. Every time i think of that, I know my birthday is a great thing, that no matter what happens, I can sit back and count my blessings. Watch the people around me, and know that in 35 years of life, I have met amazing people, had amazing experiences, and managed to make a few people smile despite their own circumstances. In the end, if any joy should ever come from knowing me at all - I can only shrug and apologize ha, no really actually point you in the direction of God. Even if you dont believe in him, its enough I do, and that impacts my life.
I might have to live with pain but I refuse to do so without a bit of laughter and finding a bit of joy. I think i might make this my personal statement this year. I get the impression already it is going to be a big one for us, who knows what it will bring but there are things on the wind already. Good things. Some not so good, but we will deal with those too. Life is a journey.
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