Love

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous, it does not boast, it does not become conceited, it does not behave dishonorably, it is not selfish, it does not become angry, it does not keep a record of wrongs,  it does not rejoice at unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

1  Cor 13:4-7

It is funny i know there are those who are not looking forward to valentines. It is not something I particularly spend a lot of attention on - pretty much every day is valentines day around here, hubby is that kind of guy.

Before I met my other half, I did not date anyone, didnt really think I was particuarly interesting in that regard. However I knew Valentines day bought saddness. All thaat love hearts and stuff - ick. 

As I got older, I realised it really boiled down to being happy with me, and loving is not always the romantic interst kind of love. 

The bible says love your neighbour as yourself and in this day and age, loving our neighbours is not the hard part. We do fairly well (with some exceptions) we fail  a lot at loving ourselves. 

We get sidetracked by the idea that the world shoves toward us that being in love is the be all and end all (and absoluetly just happens by the way and takes no work.) None of that is true.. love is work. Does not matter what kind of love you are thinking about, it will cost you.

Back to how to work on the love your neighbour as yourself.

Firstly neighbour is  anyone who isnt you.  Yes that includes anyone you already dismissed in your mind. Jesus used the example of a Samaritan. Samaritans  to the Jewish people of the time was not someone they even noted, they would have crossed to the other side of the street before they ever walked near a samaritan, they were not chrisitans, and they were not Jewish. A samaritan was someone else entirely. Your neighbour is anyone who you already dismissed from your mind, and their religion is not even part of it .

The hardest thing for us however is understanding that the love your neighbour as you love yourself - means that it is fine to love yourself. It is fine to offer the same grace, respect and understanding to yourself as you would to anyone else. Not easy to do. But fine just the same.

If Valentines is difficult for you. Then there is a good chance you need to look at yourself. I realise we get set up by the social requirements and the lack of a romantic relationship makes people feel ... i dont know.. lost, alone and so on. The single greatest thing you can do for yourself is make peace with you, and settle it with God. Make your life depend only on God and on you - instead of hungering and wanting what you dont have. Be content with what you do have; with who you are. Pray for a partner if you wish but then leave it in God's hands. 

In summary. Love. Be  yourself. Trust God. Be genuine. You  don't need to sign up to the social norm of the day... but there is no harm in buying a rose for yourself. Or for a stranger. Or for someone you know who is having a hard time. If you hate valentines.... maybe its time to re-evaluate.

If what you get is not what you wanted

I have to wonder, how many people pray "your will be done"  and understand the depth of the concept. I seem to spend a lot of time thinking between the idea of suffering as a Christian (in general) and the idea that sometimes our concept of  "God's will"  isn't at all what God actually wants from us.

As someone with chronic pain , and depression - i have heard from many people about how God couldn't possibly will anyone to live in pain, or deal with depression.

I agree, it was not what God planned for us, it isn't the thing he wanted when he created us. The fall happened, sin happened, consequences still happen.
Consequences of our own choices. Of choices made for us. Of choices other people have made. We face the complication of other people in our lives daily - some with terrible, terrifying consequences, and others with mild amusing ones.

Yet when we pray that God's will be done in my life we seem to just forget that sometimes that will is worked out in the bad things.

Sometimes by being sick - we speak life.  Sometimes by being tired, depressed or unwell and despite this STILL bringing our eyes to God - we give hope.
It is strange, how people seem to think that a miraculous cure would shout God's name - when faith despite the mess we live with; those consequences we deal with daily; speaks more to people.

It is part way to a view of God involved in the entirety of our lives. Not just the happy, or the joy, not just at Easter or Christmas. But daily in the nitty gritty.

If we worship a God who sent His son, to take on our sins and die for us - paying for the consequences; paying for the pain, the anger, the hurt we inflict on each other as well as on ourselves - then we worship a God who is deeply aware of our pains, knows our tears, and hears our prayers.

"Yes though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death - your rod and staff comfort me."
Psalm 23:4 NASB

While we would love to advertise the Christian life as full of health and wealth, there are realities that this is not so. I am not saying that there is no such thing as miracles, or that we should not pray for healing. However we need to understand God's will for us - and sometimes, that is best worked out in suffering. Sometimes what God brings about because of our willingness to trust in Him, and persevere in faith through the bad things, is far greater than anything we could imagine.

There is a lot of victory yet to be seen.

The odd of celebrating days

It is an odd thing we do when we single out a subgroup and celebrate days. Not wrong but odd. There is never going to be a day for those who don't fit the categories.

I don't hate the days... We ought to celebrate people. 

Mothers, fathers, lovers, veterans, these are all examples of people we should celebrate.  Birthdays are a tailored made celebration of living, at least we all have that... ( And if you want to argue that you don't... You can leave a reply lol)

Happy Mother's Day..

Tho this is not really a post about that either. 

No I'm feeling out of it because I am not a mother. Not by choice. I don't talk about things very often, I don't think my life or marriage has suffered any for not having kids, but the reality is we can't have kids.  It's complicated, but that will do for now. It's not just Mother's Day where the idea of being married without kids is  kind of hard for people to comprehend I am no social anomaly but I certainly do not fit within categories we tend to apply, I'm not single, I'm not a young adult, I'm not elderly, I don't work, and worse than not working, I am on disability. For some reason, being disabled and still able to 80% of the time function cognitively puts me in a position where because I do not fit in, I miss out.

I suffer from depression as well as all that, and you can imagine it makes things tricky.

I don't have a solution. I have no idea what to do, but if you are like me, you realise other people might need to be seen, noticed and appreciated. Random act for someone... A smile, a meeting of the eyes...  Even the little things count.

If you somehow stand in the same position as me, and don't fit into the neat categories, you might be happy to know you are not alone. 

This is my Stove...

It has seen better days, it really is yellowish beige, and really hard to clean. It is circa 1970's or 1980's.

Here it is:

Not glamorous I know.

Here is what I realised today though as I cleaned it.

I'm lucky to have a stove.. And by extension a house.

I'm lucky there is no threat we might lose it. Even when money is tight. It is ours.

I know that being happy with what you have is a strange thing... Especially when cleaning a stove. 

I am trying to not to hibernate this winter though with all the bad stuff going on in the world it would be a nice thought at least. While I am no where near the position to help people,  neither with physical or finances, I can be greatful for what I have. To stop and look around me once in Aka while and realise how much riches are actually there.

I do need a new stove. Someday. 

But for now I'm greatful to have one that works, and also that we have the access to gas to power it. 

I'm greatful that I have my home, my great husband, and my space. 

It isn't a revolutionary ideal, but just take a moment and look around you, even if you are finances poor, and even if your health isn't awesome... There is so much to be greatful for, even if it is just a working stove.

A bit more about me..

Most of my blog posts are written at night, usually just before I fall asleep. I don'tmake a plan or take time to organism a  section of blog posting in advance. I blog when I have something to say, or something on my heart. In some respects, I share a personal journal with the world by writing to my blog.

I realize that some things here might offend people, and some things might shock or annoy... I don't actually care. I don't write the words in this blog for money or entertainment. My hope is that people might find some inspiration and humor, with a little bit of challenge in what I write. I am seldom so serious that I don't see the funny side of things.

I have also shared my blog somewhat with people lately. So I might have people coming here who don't know me from a bar of soap. (Hint: bar of soap is a much smaller thing than me, and often comes in a paper wrapper...)  So I thought I might do a little bit of an introduction.

Hi ....
My name is Jaki. I am a 34 year old stay at home wife. A passionate Christian.
I have multiple medical issues - the biggest of which is Fibromyalgia. I have some mental health issues as well  - PTSD, anxiety, depression.
I write because writing is the best outlet God has given me. I write because stories burn themselves into my brain and if I do not write them down I find it hard to keep that many characters entertained. I write because I love words. I am also very terrible at grammar and spelling; because I write how I talk.

My education, if that is of interest to anyone, though why I have no idea. I graduated high school, and went on to Bible college , where i graduated in 1999 with a degree in Theology. I am pretty sure that I was meant to go through that... though I sometimes wonder if I am making use of the education or not. I am currently studying through Open Uni a degree in Internet communications.

My birthday is Feb 22nd.. all presents and donations welcome! HA!

I am Australian. I try to use Australian spelling for things, however my spell check is convinced I am American and keeps correcting me. I am not in the least bit interested in other people's drama. I don't do gossip. I won't complain about specific people here. I try to only share what is helpful; but I am also at least I attempt to be, respectful.

I don't disrespect other people's religion and I ask all who read my blog to be mindful, and not disrespect my faith. I make no apology for the blatant Christian stuff here, if you know me, you know I don't shove that in anyone's face, or hit anyone over the head. I do lose a lot of enjoyment when people sit around bad mouthing anyone, I also don't enjoy people swearing and carrying on. Words are awesome things... find better ones.

I play World of Warcraft. I play Sims. I also play all kinds of fun games on face-book. I am not in the least bit anti-games but I don't enjoy first person shooters or things like that. 

I draw, paint and do crafty things when I can. It takes a lot of energy though and honestly the fibro has robbed me of that a lot. I don't always have the energy to clean my house either, though that is something I dearly want to do. Clean and organize I mean. Anyhow enough for an introduction. Let me post this.

Oh one more thing... feel free to question, to ask to debate... Im willing to respond. I won't tolerate arguing or personal insults though; just like a good discussion.

Reflecting on getting older

So my birthday is in February - the 22nd to be specific. For some reason I have this desire to go to the zoo.. we shall see. Anyhow whenever birthdays approach they provide this moment of delight, horror, reflection, stress and fun all in the same kind of flow. So instead of keeping all  of this to myself I thought Id share.

Firstly. Long ago I worked out the real age of a person is the two numbers added together. So my age this year is 8. Makes more sense to go to the zoo now.  It entertains me because it means my hubby is currently 4. Regardless its just fun. (honestly this was funnier when we were talking about it in the car today)

What makes birthday's stressful is the whole what I expect versus what actually happens or what I want versus how  i feel on the day (fibromyalgia does not seem to think birthdays are different from any other days.) Over the last few years i have had x-rays, blood tests,  and other fun things on my birthday (or near) ironic thing is I think that is because some of the jaded feelings i have towards medical people finding anything wrong or figuring out a way to help seems to be less so around my birthday. As if living for another year I like to think about living for a few more. Regardless medical stuff on birthdays - not fun.  Having to mention it is your birthday to a reception person who looks at you a moment and smiles a little " happy birthday"  yeah also not fun. I am hoping to avoid both this year.

Birthday's are usually quiet, I got lucky and my aunt is going to be visiting us around that time. She is one of those people who is a delight to have around, and we have a lot in common. Also a weird sense of humour (I am sure she found the age thing funny... at least I hope so!)  So I get to see her and my uncle.

What I am looking forward to is seeing elephants. Not pictures of elephants but real elephants. I wont get to touch them or ride one, or feed one, or talk to one up close, but I will get to look and take photos. I adore elephants. You have no idea... just how awesome an animal these things are. God did a fantastic job on them. 

So the zoo it will be if we can.
The only thing that worries me, and this is where the stress comes in is that my health isnt awesome. I can't walk around all day. My back just won't handle it. So we are going to look at getting a wheel chair for me at the zoo. Now thats a sensible logical thing to do, it means I can have a longer day and hopefully end up in less pain. However.  I am a bit scared.

Not scared that I wont be able to use one. Not worried it will be awkward feeling. But scared at what it implies, means and might mean.

It took me a long time to admit walking was a problem; I always had a lot of trouble with my back that I recall.  There are reasons I am sure that I wont mention here. However in the end it has come to the point where im in limbo waiting to see a pain specialist... my doctor keeps saying ' just lose weight' (which I have and did, and the more weight i lost the WORSE the pain. like Bad. like very very BAD pain.) ..  also i had pain before i had weight problems. I hate that doctors fail to see past that or hear me when i say it. I think i will be taking photos to the specialist of my 9yr old self, or my 14yr old self...." see this? well i was normal.. and still had pain" ....  in the end i am wondering where I will end up...

I talk about pain on this blog a lot of the time, often tempered with a hopeful upbeat feel or faith. That is how I feel, i feel there is a purpose and a plan to all this. Some days though, I do not like this reality I am dealing with. It isn't at all what I would like for my life. Certainly not what I planned. It has its moments.

I am looking forward to the zoo. I really really want a chance to see as much of it as we can. Pain or not.

Birthday's have historically either been awful (not just bad but terrible) or brilliant. I have either lived in the shadow of my step-sibling, who has his birthday the day before. (Through no fault of his!) where i ended up feeling as if being the younger of the two my birthday did not matter in the slightest.  A nothing birthday really. Even my 16th. Maybe it is why people spoil me rotten now (by people I mean my hubby).
My tenth birthday was brilliant. My mum threw the best party EVER. No exaggeration - i met someone who had been there and she was all gushing about it years and years later. The cake was a castle; with turrets and all that, and we had party games and fun complete with prizes.  Seriously awesome mother.

These days I'm content with the quiet birthdays, but also with the family around. I try not to let stress and anxiety get me but I don't really do crowds near as well as I used to. I really am bad at new people, or big groups. So nice and quiet.  It isnt a big one anyhow; thats another 5 years away.  I can't imagine knowing enough people to have a big party anyhow.

Well, in the end Birthdays are another year arent they? I refuse to just let it go without thanking God for it. Plus, its another year alive, another year fighting for health and sanity, and another year sharing and laughing with my beloved hubby. Every time i think of that, I know my birthday is a great thing, that no matter what happens, I can sit back and count my blessings. Watch the people around me, and know that in 35 years of life, I have met amazing people, had amazing experiences, and managed to make a few people smile despite their own circumstances. In the end, if any joy should ever come from knowing me at all - I can only shrug and apologize ha, no really actually point you in the direction of God. Even if you dont believe in him, its enough I do, and that impacts my life.

I might have to live with pain but I refuse to do so without a bit of laughter and finding a bit of joy. I think i might make this my personal statement this year. I get the impression already it is going to be a big one for us, who knows what it will bring but there are things on the wind already. Good things.  Some not so good, but we will deal with those too. Life is a journey.

Ponderings on pain

This is a post aimed at Christians; feel free to read it; but understand that when I am writing it is intended for someone who is a Christian - who holds that belief and comprehends the key parts. It might be interesting otherwise, but I don't know. That is it.. my disclaimer.

The damage we do to other people. More specifically, the damage we do unwittingly as Christians to other Christians is horrifying. Especially to those who are not in a position of power; who are already in a mode of surrender or shut down - we push and shove our way to the top and make them bruised and broken more than they already are. It is terrible; horrible things we do. What makes it worse, it is not intentional harm. We don't mean to hurt them; we are giving good advice; we are speaking truths over their lives offering encouragement!
Unfortunately what we think of as truth, encouragement and good advice sounds a lot less that way. Listen to these words:
You don't pray enough, you don't believe enough, you obviously are not claiming God's healing in your life, it is your fault you are sick and not healed - it means you have a hidden sin someplace, you just need to pray, you need to pray more, healing has already come and you just can't see it, and  you are not really a christian if you are still sick.

I have heard them all directed at myself personally; it has created a sense of skepticism in my faith concerning healing and prayer; not because I don't believe in healing - I do, and I have seen some amazing things; nor is it because I don't think God is able - I know He is. What I hear however is that either people do not want to know about sickness from some sense of  not wanting to deal with it; or they are not certain how the Bible speaks about it.

I can't talk about death and terminal illness. Though I hope some of my thoughts might apply; I am in no position to speak for someone who has or is dealing with the loss of someone dear, or the reality they might face. I also can't talk about refugees and war; none of that is in my experience and my heart truly aches for those who have to flee their homes because of such things. The things we see in life tend to stay with us forever; they build into who we are. In some ways this will be true of all pain; even or especially pain of the heart.

I have fibromyalgia; it isn't going to kill me; but it does make life very painful. It is not going away, there is no cure, no treatment. There is ongoing research into what it is exactly. They are learning new things every day.

What I do want to do is mention this silence we give to the topic of pain and suffering. To the area we avoid talking about or admitting is a real part of the Christian life. Maybe it is the end purpose to my own pain; that I might be able to speak about it and bring light to this darkened area.  At least I hope so.

First thing to realise is this:
Healing does and can happen. God will heal. Everyone. 
The big issue is does He do it now? Or are we able to perceive a future beyond death where we are healed? Faith is one of those things that requires us to question to ponder, to wonder at what God is doing.  That's how faith gets it's substance. (go on read Heb 11:1). So I believe we will be healed as promised.

Second thing:
Life is meant to be lived in honesty, and integrity; submitted wholeheartedly to God.
I am a key points kind of person I suppose; the second key is pretty much how I view life. I don't see myself as perfect or wondrous; I just want to live honestly and with great love.
Christians are really good at pretending everything is okay when it is not. We like to hide a lot of how we feel; and how we really are. If we are in pain - mental pain or physical - we never tell people. If we did; we run the risk of being told the things I have mentioned in the first paragraph. We run the risk of exposing our heart to damage. On the rare occasion it exposes the heart to great love; but those occasions are so uncommon that we tend to keep ourselves hidden. It is worse for someone who has already got the scars and wounds from being treated badly by people to be treated badly by a fellow Christian who does not intend it. I speak from experience there too.

I sat down to think about this topic; well actually I was trying to sleep and the topic kept eating at my mind. So then I sat down to figure this out; to think through the questions I imagined would come up when you present the topic of pain and suffering. Let me share with you the questions I thought of and my response. // I have got Scripture for the responses but since I haven't slept yet I am just writing the thoughts and will come back with scripture at a later point//

1. Is it wrong to talk about pain?
 Not in the slightest. Being honest is part of being a Christian. It is hard to be honest though when things are not easy to talk about. Taking a risk, being vulnerable, admitting you are not strong or as strong as people expect can sometimes feel like a loss. In the end you just might free another person from the same constraints; from the same dark corners you found yourself in.

2. Is sickness made worse by acknowledging you are not well?
 If I am honest; the only sickness I know of in my own life that is made worse by acknowledging it is the common cold. I think only my husband would know how bad the fibromyalgia gets at times, I simply do not go out or do things; but I do get annoyed by it; and vocal. If anything, trying to ignore being sick will make things worse. No amount of ignoring will stop you sneezing with a cold; there is no 'name it'  theory at work, if you say you have fibromyalgia it does not mean that you are deciding to somehow have it be what controls your life. Sickness is a factor in a fallen world; it is not made worse by talking about it.

3. Are you somehow "removing joy" because you honestly explain how you are?
I have wondered this myself, and maybe I do not have the answer. I fail at mind reading, and people reading. I cant tell what they are thinking. When I was at university I thought I had to try and be happy despite the deep problems and pain I was going through. I was always tired, always sore, it was not that I ever gave up doing things (unlike now when I have been more or less forced to) but if someone asked me how I was I never responded with 'good' or the normal expected response. I was tired; I had trouble with sleeping (even then) trouble with moving around. It took me a long time to realize that Joy is not dependent on how we are. It isn't dependent on how anyone else is either; it is a choice. Joy more than any other element of the Christian life is chosen despite circumstances; seldom because of them. That is not to say that good things don't happen; but rather we don't require everything to be peachy to find joy.

4. Is it sin that causes sickness/pain?
Yes and no.
The yes is simple: there are always consequences to our actions. Sometimes pain/illness is caused indirectly. Sometimes it is the consequences of someone else's actions (abuse for example) and sometimes it is because we jumped off a roof. See what I mean? It goes back to the old cause and effect - sickness and pain is an end result.
Sometimes the answer is no; sickness/pain can just be. They happen. Bad things happen in the world; we have no control over them. Sadly we like to think we do; and that leads us to asking this kind of question in the first place.

5. What does it mean if you are not healed? What if you have prayed daily for healing and there was still nothing?
I reiterate... I believe in healing 100%. I believe in a God who still works miracles. I have prayed often asking for healing and am still in pain. I do not very often make that statement because my prayer life is something very personal and private. I rarely pray aloud in groups, and I rarely make that kind of statement.  
One thing I know for certian is this: If I live my life in submission to God willing to allow Him to work in His timing instead of trying to argue my case for instant healing - after all that would be nice - but look for opportunities to encourage, to life up, to bring joy DESPITE the pain and circumstances. Then that's a better life than being well and chasing my own goals and dreams. It brings me in line, it keeps me grounded. Maybe that is what Paul was dealing with, with his infamous thorn.
So basically, it does not mean anything. It means keep holding to faith; believe in walking with God through the valley, He hasn't left you alone. He also has not given up on you. No matter how much your sickness or pain makes you despair, God is always there. His grace will be sufficient. No one can know those words better than someone dealing with the reality of day to day pain or illness.

6. If you are not healed is it: because you don't want it enough? because you lack faith? because you are not close enough to God?
 I confess, I have no idea what life would be like if I was healed. I don't know. I tend towards expending a lot of energy in doing and going; the can't sit still type (I can't sit and watch tv for example without doing something - writing, drawing, playing a game) I don't know what a healed-Jaki would look like. Would I even linger in the sense of faith I actually have now? Or would I sail off at a million miles chasing the world? The reality is maybe I don't want to have to deal with it.
However that isn't the reason for not being healed, nor is a lack of faith nor is it because you are not close to God. Healing is not a magic trick. It isn't a game of favorites. If we chose to follow Christ, we chose to give our life over to God's purpose. Whatever that entails. To allow God to use you, healthy, wealthy, sick, poor - whatever you are- that's what we signed up for. YES God DOES heal, but it might well be that there is more to learn, more to give, more to share, more joy to be found, in your current circumstances, than you would receive from the instant healing and moving on thing.

To the Christian who thinks these things: do you imagine that life with pain and illness is somehow easy? That sickness/pain is an optional extra? The person who deals with pain is more likely to call upon God; more likely to know the path Jesus took for us; to comprehend (though we do not share the level of suffering He went through on the cross) that journey He took for us. Was He a sinner that his pain was caused by it? Did He lack faith? God has not looked down on the hurting and broken, He has not tossed them aside. (He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. He will bring justice to all who have been wronged (is 42:3)). So why do we?

7. If you live with chronic illness are you meant to "suck it up" to go to Church and pretend to health?
 I used to think this. It has a lot to do with how I was raised to go to Church in nice clothes, with my good manners, to not talk or whisper, or anything of the kind. To listen and pray but not to show my pain or illness. Of course that was never directly taught; but I learnt it from watching the adults. I am guessing it has  a lot to do with a few generations ago; and the not giving of personal welfare kind of information to the public sphere. Never admit you had no food, no money, or no job; what happened at home stayed there.
I still remember the first time I was prayed over because of being sick. It was awe inspiring and I got well quickly. It was one of those influenza bouts from when I was a child; and i was in my Grandparents care at the time - and going with them to every service, and bible study. Usually I participated (I was a remarkably strange child and preferred the adults conversation to the kids) and this one time I was just sick. I slept off and on, and at the end of the night they prayed for and over me.
Sometimes not just sucking it up, pretending to be well, is going to help. Sometimes we need to have people voluntarily care for us.  This is a whole other topic, on how the Church is meant to fulfill the role of care for the sick; but often fails; especially in cases of long term illness.

8. How in that way are we meant to deal with mental illness?
Mental illness is just that. Illness. It is not something caused by the sin of the person in front of you. Depression, PTSD, Bipolar, and others are symptoms of our age and times; but certainly very rarely, the core result of someone's own personal actions. To care for someone with a mental illness is a difficult road. Living with it, that is even harder. We can only imagine the daily struggles. Personally I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD, I promise you nothing I do can change the impact those two things have on my life. The impact includes being difficult to get to know; and in turn to make friends. I know this; I can't fix it. It makes for a very isolated and lonely existence sometimes. It is another area of care I think we can do better on as Church.


9. Does God make us sick?

NO.
Sickness I believe is caused by the state of the world we live in. Germs, bugs, and so on we catch that cause things like the common cold, virus' and infections are not something we would have had to deal with outside of the fact that man sinned originally and was sent packing from Eden because of that. The consequences are as you imagine now dire, as we wind our way through towards the end times; it will get and has gotten worse. 
God however can and will use what we allow him to. Visits to doctors, hospitals and so on where we are representing our faith, we get to choose to live Joy, and offer our lives as a canvas that God can work an amazing work of art on. IF we let Him.

Now I am starting to fall asleep here, which is a good thing. I hope that what I have written here makes sense, and feel free to ask me questions. I will of course go back over everything when I have slept and read about all the things I said that were wrong -.- be blessed, choose Joy.